SCATTERED PIECES

Saturday, May 22, 2010 8AM

SCATTERED PIECES

Today’s morning song and meditation…perfect as always.

Today's Prayer

“Dear Father in Heaven, I know that You have given me special gifts, talents, and abilities to use in Your service. Please stir up those gifts, talents, and abilities within me. Help me to see how and what I am to do for You. Work through me, through the power of Your Holy Spirit, to accomplish Your purpose and to draw people to Yourself. I know that all that is done through me is not of my own power, but of Your power, God. May You be glorified. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.”  *

*Prime time with God (it Comes from Church Growth Institute and here is the free subscription link) http://store.churchgrowth.org/epages/ChurchGrowth.sf/

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It’s a two part devotional and the next part tells me that 

God always provides…EVERYTHING!

 Of course, that’s the simplified version…the message is told through 

a scripture story, 

and that’s what I received from reading it. 

God’s message speaks to each of us PERSONALLY because He is a LIVING GOD.

 It just reminds me that my efforts are useless unless they are God directed.

 So IN YOUR hands I put my scattered pieces.

 TRUSTING you will use them for Your Glory.

The song, no coincidence, comes from Shaw McDonald’s Album 

Scattered Pieces. Gravity

The Chorus:

“I don't want to fall away from You

Gravity is pulling me on down

I don't want to fall away from You

Gravity is pulling me to the ground.”

Shawn McDonald (his website http://www.shawnmcdonaldmusic.com/) 

While you visit his page take the time to listen to his new song “Clarity”-

 which is exactly what I pray for.

What could I possibly say that hasn’t already been said by someone else better!

 I am going to keep today short and simple 

because “the scattered pieces” of my life need attention.

 I trust God’s purpose in my “ living out loud” isn’t thwarted 

by discouragement and selfishness.

 The prayer says (SCRIPTURE tells us) 

WE ALL have special gifts and talents,

 given to each one of us individually,

 by HIM, to use for HIS GLORY. 

 Why do I wish I had someone else’s talents?  

Beautiful words I can sing to you to draw you close to His heart?

An artist's hand to draw you His face?

Anything rather than what I have.

  I lack confidence in my own gifts sometimes. 

What a slap in the face to God.

  Where is my focus? 

When I am led by my own “feelings” I am subject to defeat. 

I don’t even need any criticism- I am my own worst enemy!  

When I am led by HIM I am accepting and appreciative of 

my experiences knowing that HE can use little me!  

Here I am Father, consume me,

 and let my scattered pieces become 

YOUR MASTERPIECE!

 Let my hope shine

 in the dark corners

 of someone’s life today

 so they are drawn to Your loving arms.

If you are curious, there is also a free spiritual gifts assessment

 on the website my morning devotion comes from. 

The direct link is http://www.churchgrowth.org/cgi-cg/gifts.cgi?intro=1  

I have taken it before to find that one of my gifts is encouragement. 

SO I WILL USE IT!  

I am reminded not to grow weary and faint. 

I leave you today with three questions:

 1. Do you know your God given talents and gifts?

 2. Are you using them?

3. for HIM or for YOU?

The Shape of Your Heart?

Friday, May 21, 2010 9AM

THE SHAPE OF MY HEART

I was tempted this morning to whine a little 

about last night’s concert being cancelled, but 

I make plans and God laughs!

That was just a disappointment, life has many.

Instead I will give HIM the floor. little me.

Song for the day: Sting: Shape of My Heart

THE NOW AND THEN COMBINED

What is really pressing on my heart is the present condition of my family,

 more specifically the relationships with my children.  

All I can say is, once again, I am doing it OUTLOUD 

because I am compelled to and because maybe GOD will share the solution with US as I travel.  

Yes, I said, with us because I don’t know how to “fix” it

 and suspect I am not alone.

 So that’s what I doing, taking it to GOD in front of YOU so maybe,

 I get to be used as a channel of HOPE.

There are always plenty of people to give advice, judgment, and criticism.

 There are a few people who have helpful guidance, suggestions, and support. There are even less who listen, love and 

say “take it to God” and walk with you through it!

I would much prefer to tell you I am great mother and my kids adore me!

 They don’t and with good reason. I try, yes, but all they have ever witnessed is that THE ONLY CONSISTANCY IN ME- IS INCONCISTANCY!  

When I try and be consistent it always turns into enabling them (for me).  Then I break down and give them what they want

 so that they will “love” me again. 

The end result is NONE OF THEM THINK I CARE ABOUT THEM AT ALL.

 Obviously, it’s not just a lack of discipline and inconsistency

 that has caused all the difficulties we have.

It’s a melting pot. Every family has their own.

I also must add that there is MY part and THEIR PART.

I am ONLY taking responsibility for mine.

A GREAT lesson.

Manipulation and guilt comes from blaming others

 for your part in the condition of an situation.

Mine: I get to throw in addiction , depression, anxiety, 

anger, fear, inability to maintain relationships (not just failed marriages)

 and much more.

 I have been a runner from myself for so long

 that I have very few long term relationships with anyone. 

My kids, however, have been stuck with me. 

They would not hesitate for a second, I believe, in calling me the

 BIGGEST HYPOCRITE they have ever seen. 

Sharing all this God “stuff”, as they call it, 

when I can’t even show them the love and support they need.

I really struggle at this point because, in part that is very true.

 I have better relationships with strangers than my own children.

 The SHAPE OF MY HEART has changed too many times to list.

 For a long time it was just a cold hard stone.

 Then, when I became a parent, I felt a love I had never experienced before.

Being such a failure as a parent and as a person,

 in my own eyes, my heart became NUMB.

 It was a self-defense mechanism to survive 

because feeling often hurts too much. 

I was a light switch for the longest part of my life,

 able to shut down at will (with some help!)

 SELF MEDICATION, it worked for a short while 

(by the way self-medication is NOT just drugs and alcohol,

 it can come in many forms: food, shopping, relationships, or

 any escape that works for you).

 The first time I remember

 getting drunk I was 8 years old (another long story) 

Then when I tried to stay sober

 feelings became UNBEARABLE at times.

 Seeing the bare truth (inventory) is 

supposed to be used as a tool, so we can

 then GIVE IT TO GOD, LET GO, and MOVE ON.

I WAS STUCK.

 Now here comes the chicken and the egg, depression. Which came first? 

It doesn’t even matter anymore.

Then came a god of “my convenience”; that was the God that I confused with the one that exists and have TODAY. The self-created god of “my convenience” is interesting because I have seen a lot of others do the same thing and end up baffled (like me), why sobriety and “life” wasn’t working.  

For me, the only way to explain this is through my experience, so as I try, I PRAY it is GOD speaking to YOU and not Karin.

By the way, I was 30 when I arrived at the doors of AA so running and self medicating was a way of life, not just a bad habit.

Anyway, I confused “a God of my understanding” (from Alcoholics Anonymous), and the God I had seen in the world- “You are SURELY Gonna Burn in Hell” and thought I was allowed to make up one of my own or pick someone else’s. Well, I thought I had already tried all the ones out there so

 I BEGAN TO MAKE MY OWN….!

Well, I knew this new creation frowned on drinking and drugging because that what brought me to where I was. I made new ground rules based on what I believed this creation expected from me but still allowing my selfish wants.

ALL I REALLY DID WAS CREATE a MUTATION!

...a false god that allowed me to use other methods to soothe my brokenness that continued to fail. 

How long did it take me to find GOD and the secret, as I call it,

 to finding HIM I wrote about a few days ago.

 Only now can see that that is only part of the truth, 

 I am wondering IF the REAL TRUTH IS 

I knew way longer than I want to admit but didn’t like the rules!

 I didn’t want THAT God because I was certain, that if true, 

I was doomed to failure.

I knew nothing about MERCY AND GRACE

 and because I returned to old patterns (relapse is just one), 

I ASSUMED that there was LIMIT on how many times God would give me another chance. I WAS CERTAIN I HAD USED UP MORE THAN MY QUOTA!

 Now that depressing!

YOU CAN LAUGH NOW- because it’s a lie. 

God doesn’t have a quota! 

The “quota” is only determined by the size of the BOX you put Him in!

Understand God?

 Ridiculous.

 I can’t, HE is far too BIG for me--- 

but HE did give us Jesus 

and by studying His character I can learn His nature.

 I can also learn HOW TO LIVE!

 Yes, it even says I can expect to fall short daily. 

It doesn’t say go ahead and do what I want

 because He will forgive me ANYWAY! 

It says we are human and will continue to make mistakes 

and loving us isn’t based on what we DO. 

I KNOW THAT LOVING GOD MAKES ME WANT TO DO THINGS DIFFERENT.

 IT ENCOURAGES ME TO BE BETTER. 

 I love my children despite what they do sometimes. 

One of the reasons I do this “God Stuff” is

 because it continues to teach me how to do the “life” stuff. 

 Not fast enough for them- or me! 

I just hope I can repair some of the damage done and that the eternity promised will be their destination despite my inability to lead them there.

I’m going to close today with the thought of how progress is measured. 

Well, you can’t measure anything without a STARTING POINT (mine was dark and cold) and an ENDING POINT (I haven’t got there YET!). Right now the shape of my heart is in TRANSFORMATION. 

My comfort zone is still isolation and fiction.

 GOD has me by the hand and pulling me out slowly. I’ll leave it at that.

Karin AKA JAG Mama Forever 

The Talk I can't Walk...alone!

Thursday, May 20, 2010 7AM

As promised yesterday, I will be brief this morning, since yesterday’s post took me seven hours to write and I have another day filled with appointments and “things” to do! Yesterday’s post, which by the way if you haven’t read, is the by far the most IMPORTANT message I have to tell, the rest of what I share will be about how I actually got there and where God is bringing me now. I pray that it touches YOU exactly where God wants to touch you. I wish I had control, as usual, of who I am able to reach, but I don’t.  

Would it sound far too pitiful for me to BEG YOU to read yesterday’s post??? There goes my EGO kicking up inside me, worried about what YOU think about ME instead of HIM,

KNOWING that the “secret” in yesterday’s message is told by millions of people and I am only one of his children blessed to be willing to share HIM with YOU That is and should remain sufficient.

I was going to title this morning’s entry, THE TALK VS THE WALK, because of this morning meditation but modified it a bit as you can see.

And I quote:

“What credibility that gives to one's teaching! A person can teach us a mathematical, grammatical, spelling, geographical, or historical truth, and what his character is like matters little. But if a person teaches moral truth, his example, character, conduct, and attitudes are all-important. Who wants to be lectured on purity by an adulterer or on honesty by a liar and thief?” John W. Ritenbaugh  From  The Ninth Commandment (1997).

Meditation from http://bibletools.org/

That is EXACTLY the opposite of what I am attempting to do so I hope I never sound like that. Those are the HYPOCRITES that often turned me away from going to church (or used as an excuse not to be self- accountable.) I NEVER want anyone to feel JUDGED OR LECTURED! It is the SIN (separation from God) that I share because I AM SO FAR AWAY FROM the WALK…that Jesus taught, HE WAS PERFECT so HE COULD TALK WITH RIGHTIOUSNESS. My truth is only a desire to walk the talk and the story is about how far I strayed, and still do. The HOPE is that, I FOUND HIM, have been forgiven ,and will share my ongoing struggle with “self” as 

HE LEADS me to DAILY!

Already breaking my promise about keeping it short so ROFLMAO (computer talk cuss and all) 

ALL I AM IS HIS IMPERFECT SERVANT praying he refines me daily.

Then some someone shared on the blog yesterday a song that depicts the human battle to perfection. It was contributed by anonymous, so whoever posted I can’t acknowledge…. just hope they keep sharing. Listen to the words. I post music because of the lyrics…if you don’t listen to them a big gap in what I share with you will exist. When I listened to it my heart fell FACEDOWN. Again, MY STORY, better words! Is it yours too?

SONG: 4 Runner “Cain’s Blood”  

For me, while I remain…WOW  8:30 AM already and have 9AM appointment 45 minutes away!

PAUSE…out the door

Now the song….the Battle inside….

11:30 AM and next appointment is in ½ hour….hopefully I’ll be able to post this later this afternoon…better yet i’ll  just  keep it short as promised! I wrote NOTHING about what I had planned to today and maybe that’s good! Keeping in mind HIS plan is

 easily strayed from by my own agenda.

TONIGHT IS THE MARK SHULTZ CONCERT TOO! 

Hope I can take pictures and share them with you.

LET TODAY BE YOUR MASTERPIECE!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010 7AM

Let Each Day Be Your Masterpiece.

Just to keep you going this morning, because I know this is going to be longer than usual…some of the dirt…and the secret, are hidden….towards the bottom …. but you’ll miss it if you don’t read it in order!

Today is the first in many that I don’t have an early appointment somewhere and that feels so good. I can write without the nagging anxiety of being late somewhere. Yes, that is a huge part of my story as well. Anxiety to the point of panic at times and yet, that too has taught me so much. Of course, like many things, a story in itself and this is not the time.

Today’s writing is dedicated to FAMILY and I am compelled to begin with an awful thought that haunted me all day. I was in the car yesterday with my daughter (who isn’t speaking to me at the moment) and I thought, what if I were to die tonight and left so much unsaid? 


Then as usual, God steps in and answers me!  


My bucket list- # 1: say it NOW while I can! 


In all likelihood it will mean nothing to them now but never the less, NOW is when I am to write it.  WHY would share it with YOU?  Because it’s the WHOLE POINT! A summary, I suppose. The only thing I have of any real worth … HOPE. Sharing it with YOU today, I pray, might lend that HOPE now to someone somewhere….as for when and if they read this and understand…that I have to leave in God’s hands. I am not in control; my job is to do my part. As usual, I don’t want to. I don’t want to tell you the truth about me. I don’t want the task ahead one little bit and yet, it is in those times, when I want to rebel and make excuses, that

 I KNOW I AM DOING WHAT I A LEAD TO DO.

This morning’s meditation:

A Creed For Those Who Have Suffered

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey...
I asked for health, that I might do great things.
I was given infirmity that I might do better things...
I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that I might be wise...
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God...
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things...
I got nothing I asked for – but everything I had hoped for;
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among men, most richly blessed! Attributed to an unknown Confederate soldier

I AM, DESPITE MYSELF, MORE RICHLY BLESSED THAN I HAVE THE WORDS TO DESCRIBE.

I open up my email, as usual, to read one of the devotionals that I subscribe to, and right on top was a reply from my cousin David, who by the way, I found on the computer just recently. It is his email that included this poem and became my meditation for the day.  I often think that the only family I have left is my three children and grandson. I occasionally include a sister who has made herself “unreachable” for the last 15 years. Well, I do have some distant family and the distance is just as much my fault as theirs. My cousin David, is actually my second cousin. My father was 53 when I was born and it’s David’s father (also named David)who is actually my cousin, but it is this David who is closest in age to me and that I grew up with. He is also the only person who visited me in my first rehab. I think that is the last time I saw or heard from him- over 20 years ago.  I am introducing him this morning because in the last week we he has become such an incredible source of strength and inspiration. He also told me that my Aunt Sue (my father’s sister---David’s grandmother) will be 100 years old this October!  The last time I saw her was when my son Karl was just a baby and I know I have a picture of them together somewhere but that was over 22 years ago. Reunion time?

Included in my before writing routine is also praise music. Today, I am going to share two songs. One is defiantly NOT from a worship band, it’s from a Stained song called, "It’s Been awhile” The lyrics, to me, speak the words I felt for so many years better than I ever could. It’s not for the faint hearted either! The problem, just like in my life, is that the solution is not found in ANOTHER PERSON (as the song suggests).The solution, is nothing that can be found outside of ourselves.. Anything that has ever given me that “illusion” has been temporary. A bandaid.  I always wished something could “fix me”…. If only …I spent my life saying that.  If only I didn’t come from where I did, if only this didn’t happen, if only I had the right man, if only ….. well, without putting words in their mouths, I’m fairly certain that MY CHILDREN FEEL EXACTLY THAT- IF ONLY MY MOM WAS’T WHO SHE IS!  Well yes, I did some horrific damage to those I love, just like my parents did to me. That is my only regret in life--- hurting the ones I love. However, there comes a time when BLAMING no longer works and the IF ONLY’S become an excuse for accountability. I wouldn’t change a thing.

There is only ONE solution. 

I was previously scared to say that because the praise of others was what I sought. Today, I HAVE to say that because it is the only TRUTH I have found. Not very popular, but if you read on and be patient with me, TODAY is the day I will Share the HOW I found God because that is all I have left unsaid to my children of any worth. I am certain, beyond ANT DOUBT that the HOW works for EVERYBODY!

THE THEN SONG: Stained "It's Been Awhile"

THE NOW: is praise music! ”Before the morning” It comes from LIFE IS NOT A SNAPSHOT by Josh Wilson and it’s encouraging for the believers is just awesome. His website http://joshwilson.sparrowrecords.com/

But it is selfish motivation that I share this song with you today because to me it is exactly like the scripture and I need it to plod on.

Galatians 6:9 (King James Version)

 9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap,

 if we faint not.

Well, fainting is what do best! Great (sometimes even AMAZING) beginnings followed by utter defeat. That’s when I am doing things MY WAY! It is a DAILY MUST for me, # one on things to do list, ASK HIM TO DRIVE MY LIFE! The task for the day is to actually let Him. Easy enough to pray in the morning and then grab the steering wheel and  back 5 seconds later….at least for me. PRACTICE! PRAYER! PATIENCE! Yeeeccch! 

I want it ALL RIGHT NOW- whatever the “it” is!

Before I  go on any further I have a few photos I want to share with you (my cousin David is sending me some too from our childhood! Can’t wait!). It is HIS story that I am sharing but it is only through MY LIFE that I can tell it. So, I want you to see how beautiful my family is. I also know I need to be careful because even though they are not reading my blog, one of them has already expressed a concern about sharing “her stuff.” They have not yet reached the place where the world revolves around God and not the small box they see today. I PRAY SOME DAY SOON THAT WILL CHANGE and 
I hope they find it sooner than me!

  Karl Robert , born 12/6/1986 Port Jefferson , NY

  Serenity Kay, born 7/5/1989 Stony Brook, NY

  and Brayden Cole, my grandson, born 2/8/2007, Augusta, Ga.

  Chloe Katherine, born 4/8/1996, St. Augustine, FL

The photos, in, order of age, except my Grandson, are not current, but rather reflective of what I see in them. These are the most precious gifts God has ever given to me and each one of my children is unique in their own right. I used to say” I wish they came out with an instruction manual” but that was before I knew and accepted that they had!

OK…. Here goes. Writing for almost 4 hours now! Still reading? One thing you can expect from me is change. I’ve been formatting everything I’ve written by the then and the now….well here is a bit of the middle! After countless attempts of trying to change: trying to change my circumstances, trying to change myself, trying to get clean and sober, trying to be a good parent, trying to hold onto a relationship, trying to find God, I just got EXHAUSTED and went straight to the source. Yup, that’s the secret, IN THE WORLD the best SALESMAN wins, on almost every subject. So, after I tried everything I could that was humanly possible and failed, including MANMADE RELIGION,

I SIMPLY ASKED HIM TO SHOW ME!  Too easy, but that’s my truth. Now, I previously thought I had “God” in my life but NO CLARITY. I remember, as if it were yesterday exactly what happened. By this time, I had been in and out of self-help programs (which by the way are not “self” help) for ten years. The longest I had ever remained cleans and sober was around 5 years, but that included, what I refer to as some legal relapses, like pain meds during surgeries. One of the first God experience’s I had happened in detox ten years prior, but I’ll share that later, just like what I’m about to tell you --- it is hard, if not IMPOSSIBLE to believe. Anyway, one of the “steps” after admitting defeat and surrendering to complete powerlessness of whatever addiction you suffer from, is turning your life and will over to the 
care of God “as you understand him.”

Several problems for me at this stage, at first I didn’t believe at all, then when I started to believe in a “power greater than myself”  I was convinced I was still going to fail because I thought I had done that and still relapsed. The second problem was still being plagued with the guilt and shame of what I had become and the people’s lives I randomly blew though like a class 5 hurricane. They spoke a new language in the “rooms,” as they are loving referred to, and I was more comfortable than ever before because for the first time I know I wasn’t alone and unique. I learned a bit about the difference between being sick and not BAD, but still had trouble not blaming myself. I still maintained a “mask” because I didn’t know how to act any other way. 
As usual, I thought I had everyone else’s answers when I couldn’t even find my own (big character flaw).I also suffer from being more intelligent than is healthy for simple solutions! 


So off to search for God and since I was lonely I also began looking for a “man” immediately since I had already destroyed my marriage, thinking foolishly “we can help each other stay sober.”  (that is ill advised in early recovery but I didn’t listen to much that was suggested until doing whatever I was doing my was caused me enough pain to try and do it God’s way. Oh, my dirt, I also entered AA, pregnant with my daughter Serenity. I found out I was pregnant in rehab and had some tough choices to make… try and restore my family, which I think he was willing to do at that time, or tell the truth-abort the baby and live a lie– my husband and I had been separated for close to a year by then (I think) and the father of my beautiful daughter was someone living the same destructive path I was and one of the suppliers of my favorite poison at that time. Well, since you see Serenity’s pictures above you already know what choice I made. More on all that in the THEN, but now back to the solution.

OK, so I start going to meetings, begin to feel an ounce of self-esteem and unfortunately a little self-righteousness. I was still confused and erroneously thought I was DOING IT. That I WAS KEEPING MYSELF SOBER. What a LIE!  


Ego is a killer.

The real beginning of the God search. I was too damaged by then to actually concentrate long enough to pray without ten other thoughts flooding my head at the same time (also undiagnosed ADHD) so I got one of the BEST suggestion’s I ever got in my path to finding God…it especially is good for people, who were like me at time, uncertain, unfocused, and trained to believe that anyone who believed or relied on God was too weak to stand on their own two feet and live life successfully.

This was given to me by Molly (thank you forever) at a meeting, after I shared my frustration with this God thing and prayer. I’m making it BOLD PRINT BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH it took another 10 years it doing this that it resulted in an authentic relationship with God (which is dynamic and changes every day) it was worth every minute.  Ten years, a long, VERY LONG TIME, for an impatient person like me.

The Secret to how I found God.

SHE said, and my memory is far from good, so not verbatim, “For me to get a note book and start by writing down the characteristics of what I felt a perfect FATHER would be. Now don’t get confused here, some people are instructed by “sponsors” or told to try and write down what they want God to be. That doesn’t work. God is God, and we are not going to make Him into anything different for our convenience (tried that too at first). How can I surrender my life to a God of my understanding? First, I didn’t even understand myself. Second, by then all that was producing in me was a concoction of a God of my misunderstanding- One that was happy enough with me as long as I didn’t drink or take drugs anymore. Phew…not even close!

I need to note here that I believe that AA and programs like it are God inspired and anything I say is just how I responded. It was AA that brought me God and is set up the way it is to leave the door open to anyone who suffers from alcoholism. It is only later that it becomes our personal responsibility to create a “relationship” with Him. If People had to believe what took me all this time to learn in order to get some help then few would enter the doors. Many have cried out from the foxhole for God to help them thinking He doesn’t exist or they are not worthy because they can’t stop their own addictions. Pushing GOD in someone’s face Is never effective in my experience.

Ok. What is a perfect father or parent? I had no idea. I did know I didn’t have one and I knew I wasn’t one. I don’t know anyone perfect but there were a few people in my life that I respected and admired whose character showed me aspects of what I was trying to envision… but it was still a hard list to write. Especially because with each line I wrote I saw how FAR I was from being what I viewed and respected as a parent.  Painful as well because at the time there were the people in my life (especially my inlaws) that were constant reminders to me of what human failure I was. I would never measure up no matter what I did, so why bother? IT WAS THOSE PEOPLE WHO I longed TO be LIKE, WHO I WAS JEALOUS OF TO THE POINT OF HATING because of the shame I carried with me for so long. Even though all of it all they ever showed me was love.

I FOLLOWED THE SUGGESTION AND DID WHAT I WAS TOLD BECAUSE I WAS READY TO LISTEN AND SAW THAT IT WAS WORKING IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS.

Part of my list (it was also suggested that if I got stuck to think about how I felt about my own children, not what I was always able to practice, but what I felt.)

1.   Top of the list was: 

     Unconditional love despite ANY ACTION: well, I knew for a fact that there is nothing in the world that could change the love I have for my children. I might hate what they are doing, or have no ability to reach them, but even if they were to outright murder another human, I would LOVE THEM anyway.

2.To never leave my side, to feel confident that I would never be abandoned.

3.        To protect me.

4.       To teach me and add clarity to all the confusion in the world.

5.       To give me love, guidance, and truth when I was losing my way.

6.       To listen to me and HEAR what I was feeling behind the words.

7.       To be never changing and consistent so I always knew what to expect from our        relationship.

8.       To have a relationship that allowed me to trust Him enough to listen to his prompting BEFORE I made some life’s mistakes on my own and have to be suffer the consequences  unnecessarily.

I hope I don’t have to say that That IS FAR from who I was or AM, but is exactly who I’d like to be.

OK Next was to form that “perfect Father in my mind” and to open my notebook daily and to write to him as if he were living elsewhere--- but very much alive and responding to my letters.  I could do that and by then even though I had no Idea who “HE” was I did believe that He existed.  Well, I now have in storage somewhere 20 years of letters to God! The first 10 were to a General God of modern times, the one that refers to the God that people believe they will find if they live a certain way or just believe; the “all spiritual paths lead to God” philosophy that is a much broader path than the one than I am on now. It wasn’t working. I could stay sober most of the time but not consistently. Depression and mental illness plagued me. I was lost after 10 years of AA and when you fail at the last place for hope you are truly the poster child of Failure with a capital F.

I still continued to write my letter to MY DEAR FATHER, but when I was at my worst, I neglected my writing, hiding in the bushes like Adam and Eve.  

Why did it take so long to get to the point where I finally just went directly to God instead of borrowing everyone else’s concept of Him? I don’t know.

Lying in bed writing, shortly after Chloe was born, I was starting my letter to God and it dawned on me …I really am uncertain about who I’m wring to and felt the chills go down my spine. So I told him just that!

Dear Father,

I want so much to know you, to trust you, and to believe in you with confidence. I am so subject to the influence of others and there are some pretty good salesmen out there!”  What if all along I believe that my path will lead me to you and it doesn’t? What if all my prayers haven’t even gone past my ceiling -no less to you. No, I’m not asking you to hit me with a lightning bolt or light a burning bush in my path…I simply want to know the answer to this question. Do all spiritual paths lead to you and just call you by a different name or is there ONLY ONE WAY to you? Jesus Christ, your son? I have gone back and forth with that confusion for years and KNOW FOR A FACT that the ONLY thing anyone here on earth has to offer me is their belief system. I have never just simple asked YOU! . For someone who considers herself so bright that sure a huge insight I missed. So tonight, I AM ASKING YOU! Please show me the TRUTH.

Love your daughter,  Karin

I’m certain that’s not the exact letter because I wrote it maybe 14 years ago,  but it is the same prayer that was answered. Later when I share more with you I will tell you how He answered and what happened next but right now that is not important. I will also add that I have and still do struggle with many of the same things I did then. I fall short every day and there is no magic in any of this. It’s just a journey we walk full of decisions and consequences, but the question is who are you walking with? Who is carrying you when you can’t walk yourself.

JUST ASK…not me …HIM.. He said He will answer. He Promises He will answer!

Well I’ve written from 7am until now….2PMS…seven straight hours, I sure wasn't expecting that.  That’s almost a full day’s work except it was a joy …especially if You heard what I shared.

Karin AKA MAMA FOREVER out for now.

Lucky you. I have an early appointment in the morning and promise I’ll keep it short!