The battle rages on in my head!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

CLARITY & CONFUSION??? LOOKING FOR SOME ADVICE! PLEASE!

Half of my blood is Cain’s Blood…half of my Blood ……..

YES, I KNOW THE BATTLE HAS ARLREADY BEEN WON AND THE SACRIFICE JESUS MADE PAID THE SINNER’S PRICE- BUT DAY BY DAY THE WAR RAGES INSIDE ME AND MY HEART WONDERS IF IT CAN HOLD ON!

Matthew 10:34-39 

(English Standard Version)

Not Peace, but a Sword

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Matthew 7:3-5

(3) And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? (4) Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? (5) Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. 

Well, being judgmental of others was (and sometimes still is) a way avoid looking at myself, comparing, and, not hold myself accountable for my own decisions and actions. Sometimes, it evens has the added benefit of being able to blame others for my own faults. I spent a long time surrounding myself with people I thought were in worse shape than me, so I thought i looked OK,  finding little comfort in the comparison!

It’s so much easier to point the faults of others out, especially the glaring ones, almost like it makes you appear superior (to self and others). Hate to admit how many times I did something nice for someone in front of other people so they would consider me as a compassionate sensitive person…when all along it had that subtle selfish motive of soothing myself and “working for forgiveness”. HOW DISTORTED! The mind, at least mine, is so complicated, I confuse myself easily and have been long programmed to defend my actions. Then when I am focused on God and trying to live for him my nature of selfishness and confusion are in constant conflict with “WHAT’S’ right. (THE EVIL ONE LOVES THAT!)! His specialty is confusion and self-doubt.-both work well with me! Not to mention my kids have the “guilt button” down pat!

Today, I was just thinking (going through some difficult family stuff---enable vs abandon…Threw my daughter out …again…We each see it different. Desperately wanting to do the right thing the “right” thing ---HURTS like HELL. I’m so prone to let her back home again, like I always do, and it NEVER makes it better for HER or us!

                I thought I’d share on some things that are helping me find clarity and conviction and not always cave in due to doubt. I am easily manipulated by hearing what I want to hear from those I love. So a brief list of tools to keep me on track… stick to my guns and pray I survive the short run…the long run will be best for all of them if I can just not “give in.” Usually, before I get to this point, I stubbornly try event “human” solution possible” and with greater depths of discouragement go to the place I should have gone in the first place!

                Things that help me when I’m confused with anything:

•     Pray for God’s wisdom. Study the Bible.
•     Pray to control my anger (frustration + confusion = anger)
•     Seek wise council-meaning people who tell you the TRUTH; not what you want to hear or just agree with you. People that love Christ and you enough to sat what needs to be said even if it costs them the relationship. I am blessed with several of these and today I LISTEN TO THEM try to anyway)!  I’m lucky. I used to surround myself with people who only agreed with me so I could justify my actions and avoid conflict and responsibility.
•      Try and calm down and not “react” (really hard for me –control; freak with panic attacks! (yes you can laugh…I laugh at myself all the time).
•       Isolate from others (good for short periods of time but I do it as an escape)
•       WRITE- one of my greatest helps. It sorts my thoughts out…I don’t have to hold back, I’m not reacting to “someone” saying things I can’t take back). I have time to reread my thoughts to see if they express what I’m trying to articulate. So many advantages! ESPECIALLY my letters to God, He has often answered me before I even finish writing!

There is plenty more that I can do that I am less disciplined at. I know I spend much more time talking than listening (writing than reading!) …I know…God gave us 2 ears and one mouth to listen twice as much as we talk…. YADA YADA YADA as we say in NY…….growth….and slow at that!

I love and appreciate those of you who follow my journey. I am titling this one OPEN for ADVICE! I am, of course, going to put all “advice and opinions” through the God filter, but I know many of you have been parents that have taught their children Christian values from the beginning, many who have learned from their mistakes, many with just a prayer that I can be a “late bloomer” and the parent the need me to be, and those of you confused as I am.

Not wanting to complain, but living out loud is about being honest, and hurting is REAL! Not wanting details disclosed in public for respect of her privacy I won’t explain circumstances but will say I LOVE HER MORE THAN WORDS and am powerless to change her life decisions- just can’t watch the consequence’s any more … that hurts too. What hurts the most? She too much like me! God protect HER PLEASE even though this “Gods stuff” is ridiculous to her now…I remember when it was ridiculous to me too!

CLARITY? Where can I obtain the clearest perspective of self, others, and God?

clar·i·ty

   [klar-i-tee] 

–noun

1.

clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding;freedom from indistinctness or 

ambiguity.

2.

the state or quality of being clear or transparent to the eye;pellucidity: the clarity of pure 

water.

HUGS as always,

Karin AKA MAMA FOREVER

"AS IS"

Thursday, June 10, 2010

GOD BOUGHT AND PAID FOR US IN “AS IS CONDITION!”

Ever buy a car with a sticker that said “FOR SALE” AS IS! Did it break down as you drove it off the lot?

That’s usually an indicator that it’s a mess and you ought to go find one that comes with a warranty! God loves us so much he takes us “AS IS” and knows we are broken already!

I believe the greatest tool the enemy has against us is one we hand him on a silver platter! OURSLVES! I know I’m my worst enemy…and the lies that I tell myself are confirmed by the devil daily! How? Our greatest weaknesses are his greatest strongholds. Once again, my musings are inspired by a song I saw on a friend’s Facebook wall. I know she’s been going through hell and I keep trying to reach out. I love her to bits. I hadn’t heard it in a while…loved Pink Floyd in my High School days…so I watched the video and listed to the lyrics….wish you were here.. (I don’t wish anyone was there …stuck in that fishbowl!) Dang I was 17 when this song came out! 

Starts with…so you think you can tell heaven from hell? Then the temptations and confusions….

Then  asks “ …a lead role in a cage….”

Listen closely to the words…….

So many indicators about deception, the need for trading our “real” freedom for instant relief”,  a relationship centered around another person instead of God centered, patterns….. It’s just so indicative of the cyclical patterns that keep us away from God and sinking into the quicksand.

STUCK! Stuck being wherever…not moving to the point of CHOICE…a decision! We DO have a way out. I only speak from my experience as I have no soapbox to stand on. I hope it is enough to touch your heart.

Why is it one of evil's greats tool? Because we believe it and our WORLD supports the message! First, this is not a blame thing, it a circumstantial setting. I come from a society that "fixes" or disposes of everything immediately. There is a title loan on every block to get you out of this week’s debt and put you deeper in hole the next. A pill for every ache, pain, and feeling. A pint of ice cream for every lonely heart (my favorite is mint chocolate chip!). A new man for every difficult relationship issue to tell you what you what to hear. A store to spend money on things you don't need or want 2 days later.  Instant gratification, like a band aide, falls off in the shower, and then you need a new one! It only appears to solve the problems, often making them worse. I say this after 3 failed marriages (mostly of my own doing), hundreds of unpaid debts, broken relationships, countless addictions to food, drugs, alcohol and ego building (work accomplishments) ....repeating the same circular patterns (disguised as new ones) only to find more discouragement. Sometimes to the deepest dark places of wishing it would just end.

I can't remember a time in my life (moments yes, long periods no) where I was content or satisfied. The world (or the message I received from my world) was to succeed on your on will and strength and you'll be happy! I can't and won't speak for anyone else but even when I was at the top of my careers (several), had a great husband, beautiful kids, nice house, no debt and all the other components to the "American Dream" I was miserable and left with the aching feeling that I was missing something. My disease...I refer to it as the disease of "MORE" ..(.my drug of choice) comes in too many forms. The most outward noticeable one is addiction, which, for a while relieved the aches temporary. The others, some very subtle still haunt me.

My biggest failure was perception and always looking outside of myself for the missing pieces. On the rare occasions that I looked inside or to spiritual answers, I didn't like what I saw, didn't see myself clearly, and my vision only would allow the "tangible" to be real. The God of the religions I sought didn't answer my Santa Claus list so I ruled them out...plus I could never live up to the "rules." I wanted INSTANT GRATIFICATION, magic, POOF! I wanted tangible results that I could measure and others would see.

I was missing me and missing God...both indispensable...and had to go to the ends of the earth, avoiding both, until I finally surrendered.

Then a step further....finding bits and pieces of a broken me.... and finding God ....didn't work until it became a "relationship”- that hardest part!  Even now it remains a daily process. One no one can "find" or develop it for you... but some will travel with you! Thanks for those who hold me up and have taught me so much...more by actions than words

That's one of my most difficult pieces because all that was left of me was so tattered and broken I was certain that God COULDN'T forgive me or if He would I had to “clean my act up” first. Impossible, I always failed on my own power! Then when I came to Him broken and a failure I was certain I had used up my quota of mercy several times over. Even then I still tried but would continue to fall short daily (I still do!). Being the "great thinker" that I am (good place to really laugh hard), I assumed that God's was always willing to forgive- but the proviso was that it had to be new mistakes (not the same ones over and over!). Doomed. Certain at that point there was a God, but I blew it, I tried to do the best I could at being a good person (mostly to feel good about myself) but gave up on developing a relationship with God. No point…a failure in Alcoholics Anonymous (measured by time sober and clean) and a failure a church (self measured by sin quota!). What’s left? Well, I kept going back to both time and time again anyway – basically because there was nowhere else left to go! A FAILURE.

A HUGE LIE!!!!!! I had given up on God but He never gave up on me!

Well HE didn't let ME GO! I slowly learned about mercy, stopped putting God into my FINITE mind with boundaries I created, studied, joined worship, and started a more intimate PERSONAL relationship with God. Now...like I said there are parts of my story I hate disclosing but they are important!

One on the reason's I refer to Paul's thorn so much is it saved my life! An intimate relationship doesn't relieve us of our SELVES! Paul's thorn, which God could have removed in a second, remained for a purpose.

Today, I write because it's the only way I know how to share what I have learned and am learning. I didn't learn much from others mistakes because I always thought "it would be different for me!" so I imagine you won't learn anything from mine...but if I continue to live OUT LOUD , maybe, just maybe, you'll watch God transforming me and hope that you are encouraged by it. I pray that I touch your heart with my open joys and struggles, because, I am just a common person with an extraordinary GOD!  That's who God's use most often, the weak and least likely for the job! The ones willing to set themselves aside, despite the rejection from others, the criticism, the judgment, and more,  to live as a light to glorify him.

Many like Martin Luther King, Billy Graham, inspired preachers and teachers, and more share so much of HIS love and mercy and their "walk and talk" don't contradict themselves. Mine story isn't like that. Nor are many in the bible.  Paul....one of Jesus's most devoted disciples denied him 3 times before He was crucified. Moses stuttered and was disobedient; Thomas doubted Jesus until He proved himself...the list goes on. Humans with failures.

The purpose of Jesus’s sacrifice. God knew we COULDN’T do it.  He’s quick…learned that one with Adam and Eve! So, when I stand before God on judgment day….Jesus is there and steps in for me to say “DAD I got That ONE COVERED!” Pretty amazing stuff! What a huge sacrifice, God gave HIS son as a living sacrifice to cover our inability to lie sinless lives. The only requirement is faith, NOT WORKS, (like other religions). We work to Glorify God out of LOVE not out of duty!

So, broken me, only has to offer you a complicated mind (screwed up by years of abuse), some huge character defects, (that i naturally want to hide), and the day to day struggles of life one day at time. I don’t handle most of them well at all and don’t want you to think for a second I am something I am not.  I failed marriage and parenting 101 class so many times it’s a joke. The same mouth that prays to God curses like a sailor (working on it), need constant care for depression and anxiety, and I am more comfortable in isolation than around most people!  YES, admittedly, I really would like to leave all that personal information to myself but it’s more important to me that you understand that HIS love is not determined by our “condition.”  On a scale of 1-10 on the “fruits of the spirit” I’d give myself a 2 ½……and despite all that HE LOVES ME! I am and continue to be a work in construction which I share so you don’t get discouraged. I believe that time will change some of these shortcomings and the others I will have to live with. But either way …it can serve a purpose if I allow myself to be clay in HIS hands.  

Some people call that HYPOCRITICAL- I call it honest.

Telling you I am “healed” is a lie and is far less important than telling you I am forgiven and loved!  With all my areas for refinement and plenty of thorns to keep I “right sized,” I keep God pretty busy all on my own! (You can laugh again!) 

CONFIDENT IN HIS WORD I TRUST THE JOURNEY.

I am living proof that He doesn't care what shape we are in when we arrive at His doorstep…

Just as long as we arrive.

Today’s blog, as usual, is longer than I intended (Brevity is not my strong suit) I was going to leave this commentary out but it is such a valuable key to an intimate, one on one, relationship with God I would do you an injustice but not including it. One of my biggest barriers was forgiving myself, long after God had!

SELF PORTRAIT

Forgiving Ourselves
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1, by Os Hillman
06-08-2010

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9

The apostle Peter was one of three disciples who walked with Jesus closer than the other nine. He was the most enthusiastic and the one man who was willing to step into territories where others would not dare. He was the first to step out of the boat and walk on water. He wanted to protect Jesus at times when Jesus rebuked him for having a demon influence him. He cut off the ear of the guard who wanted to arrest Jesus in the garden. As Peter matured, the Holy Spirit harnessed his many extreme emotions.

The greatest trial for Peter was when he denied the Lord just before Jesus was crucified. Three times he denied knowing Jesus. Jesus predicted that the cock would crow after the third time just to reinforce the prophecy to Peter. Peter was crushed when he realized he had failed His Lord so badly.

The Lord forgave Peter for his denial. However, gaining forgiveness from Jesus was not the most difficult part for Peter. The hard part was forgiving himself. As we mature in the faith, we begin moving in victory after victory with our Lord. Then out of nowhere, an event happens that reveals our true sin nature, and we are confronted face to face with this reality. We cannot believe that we are capable of such sin. There is no good thing in us save the grace of Jesus Christ and His blood that cleanses us. When God looks at us, He looks at the blood of Christ that has covered our sin. He does not look at our sin once we confess it.

When we have difficulty forgiving ourselves, this is pride at its deepest level. We are making an assumption that we should never have sinned and that we are too mature to sin. This is a trap from the enemy of our souls. People who cannot forgive do not recognize from what they have been forgiven. That includes us. 

Today God Is First (TGIF) devotional message, Copyright by Os Hillman, Marketplace Leaders

Book Sneeze

Can't wait for my first arrival! I was just approved for Book Sneeze to Review Max Lucado's newest....i'm not very patient so ...hurry up US mail so I can tell ya all about it!

More to come!

MAMA

The KEY to my prison door.

Sometime it just takes a song to remind me....

self created prisons....

i have many...

been freed from some...

struggle with others (my thorns!)...

Totally covered by mercy. WOW!

The line jumped out at me...should have been dead.....

HOW many times? Too many to count.  And yet still here. 

Shouting LOUD.... grab HIS hand while you can.

Love Karin

Heartbroken

Just saw this on someone I love's Facebook wall...broke my heart. JOY, despite life, is just a prayer away.

How can I reach out more? What else can I do? Father show me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Indescribable!

Love that! Psycho and cute...

LOL (Love YOU HEATHER!)

Well, If I ever get discouraged or embarrassed while I'm "living out loud" I have this mornings meditation as a reminder of my purpose. How is it possible that God knows, individually, what we need? God even knows my email address! It  leaves me in a state of awe- HIS intimate knowledge of me, millions of people, all different, and He knows each hair on our heads! WAY BEYOND MY FINITE MIND! I also know I can only hear Him IF I am listening!

I never want to sound like i'm trying to spout wisdom, especially since I have so little! I'll leave that to Solomon! I just want to touch your heart...so you believe that HE can touch yours!

With Great BIG HUGS and a reminder that we all have a testimony...what does it say about YOU?

Love Karin

Your Testimony

TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1, by Os Hillman

06-07-2010

"I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony." - John 3:11

Over the last several years I have seen two distinct types of Christian workplace believers. One type enthusiastically teaches their Bible knowledge to others. These people, though they may be genuine in their motive, lack one essential ingredient to being effectively used by God - a testimony. The second type of people I have encountered has a genuine testimony of what God is doing and continues to do in their lives. This was the case in the early Church. Men and women were able to give powerful testimony of events and experiences that could only be explained as a work of God.

God desires to build a testimony in each of us. Each of us is one of God's chosen vessels to reflect His power in and through us. When others see this power reflected, they are impacted because they cannot explain that power. God desires to frame your life with experiences designed to reflect the character and nature of Christ. Sometimes these events can be very devastating, but they are designed to reveal His power in and through us.

Every one of us has a testimony. What would others say your testimony is today? Can others see God's work in your life? Is your testimony one of Bible knowledge only? Are things happening in your life that can only be explained as God? These can be problematic questions for each of us. Ask God to build a testimony of His life in and through you today. 

Today God Is First (TGIF) devotional message, Copyright by Os Hillman, Marketplace Leaders.

THE MAKINGS OF A HUMAN CHAMELEON

Sunday, June 06, 2010

THE MAKINGS OF A HUMAN CHAMELEON

"The chameleon's ability to change its skin color has made it one of the most interesting creatures in the animal kingdom. The lizard possesses the ability to instantly camouflage itself by changing its skin color to match its surroundings."

http://www.allsands.com/science/chameleonschang_rft_gn.htm

PERFECTING THE ART OF LYING TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS:

The meditation this morning was about James, the brother of Jesus, and even though it was not on this subject but it said something about how well James knew the mind of Jesus. It made me think about how far I was from knowing my own mind no less the character of Christ. Not even able to keep track of my own lies (at the height of active addiction). How “twisted” and distorted my perception of everything and everybody was. Slowly becoming free of self, at the pace of a snail, God is revealing Himself to me like never before! It feels like breaking out of jail!  Clarity and perception of self…YECH! Several personal inventories later I see new and deeper levels of this broken mind and soul. Like pealing an onion it has many layers. I just can’t express how thankful I am that I didn’t see ALL OF ME at once; because I wouldn’t have made it out alive! Still growing and imperfect- I imagine that this will be a part of my ongoing LIVING OUTLOUD, as he reveals more to me every time I seek for His truth. Just so you can see how “unwell” I still am …when the bill collectors call I say “Karin is unavailable at the moment can I take a message!” Honesty really makes me “right sized” ….little me…BIG GOD!

The life of a “human chameleon”

It’s an art form, devised by years of practice—a cauldron with several ingredients and motives, WITHOUT CASTING BLAME (SOME ARE TRULY JUSTIFIABLE- rape, war, abuse….) and yet there comes a time that DESPITE life’s card’s I had to decide how to play them—then the consequences became mine (even though I still tried to blame others!)!. My life depended on it. “Bitter or Better” -Sometimes, both. My journey was spent largely on things that didn’t work. Always pretending to be something I wasn’t to fit in. Self-medication, manipulation, blaming others to avoid self-examination, justifying  behavior with excuses that make it “seem” acceptable in the eyes of others, outright lying to avoid responsibilities, a multitude of masks to appear to others  the way I “thought” they wanted to see me… always running away (I showed up wherever I went… eventually!)-----all signs of my broken soul. Like quicksand---sinking further and further into self that I almost couldn't breath anymore.

Always looking outside of myself for the answer…I suffered from a case of the  “if onlys”…  Everything would be fine -IF ONLY I HAD : the right man, the right job, 2.5 kids, white picket fence.  ON and On I could go. I had all of those things and more but still didn’t want to look in the mirror. When I finally did, when there was nothing and nobody left, I tried to drown myself into oblivion even further. What a self-imposed horror! To cut myself some slack here I really didn’t have a clue, at that time, that there was any HOPE for me. I was certain, by then; I had used all my chances, if there ever was one to start with!!

Living Out Loud is all about finding the truth and spiritual growth. Not being an expert at anything- or telling anyone what they should do, all I offer you is ME! Most of what I have to share with you goes under the column titled “what not to do!” And yes, it is only my view  so cut me some slack before throwing me in the judgmental frying pan.

Why? Once again, do I do this in public? As I said, I am certain God wants me to, and often I don’t like

The purpose? Because I am not alone and one of my greatest hopes, even if I don’t live to see it, is that it draws others closer to God. I personally experienced much of my life in a state of hopelessness and HOPE is the greatest gift I can offer. Too much hopelessness surrounds the world in general.

So for now I make my life an open book as a testimony to HIS living power and love.

That’s what I am….a miracle.

There is NO SUCH THING as a perfect Christian....We all fall short....that's the beauty of Jesus. 

I am often tempted to cover up the still existing defects, shortcomings, and failures…out of self-preservation and sometimes embarrassment-  I am really trying hard at setting myself aside. If I am not transparent- good and bad ---how are you able to see or be drawn to the power of His Love. That is my prayer. I AM NOT SELLING OR PUSHING GOD ON ANYONE….I am just inviting you to join me as I walk. I hope I am always walking in the right direction, but don’t have that expectation, I fall every day. I’m a two steps forward- 1 back- kind of human and have a clumsy streak that is charming (I can trip over anything)!

I also have a deep rooted, angry, sad side that is too easily triggered.Watching God work on that in front of an audience will be my most challenging task.  I really thought that being a Christ follower would make the “ugly” side go away, POOF like magic. That hasn’t been my experience. The difference today is that, I BEVELIEVE WITHOUT A DOUBT, no matter what, HE will forgive me and refine me. It might mean discipline, or consequences,or another lesson learned but that is tremendous leap of faith from where I started.

His Grace…..endless … 

Last thoughts:

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, and walk out the door, then deny him by their lifestyle." - Brennan Manning

"We are all hypocrites. It is in our very nature to be so. So much so that even our protestation of hypocrisy is, in itself, patently hypocritical." 

Claire Manning

NOTHING CAN SEPARATE ME FROM THE LOVE OF GOD!

Love, Karin AKA MAMA FOREVER