Hurting.......

Friday, July 09, 2010

I FOUND something yesterday that broke my heart. Once again it is not fair to tell you another person’s business. This ONE almost put me over the edge because it was the last thing I ever expected and because she is my baby girl. First, I had a panic attack, then anger, got down on my knees, called the church, prayed, called the police, and shook and have not stopped since. Plus I haven’t had more than 4 hours of sleep since yesterday. I think if I had one wish from God it would be that we could make believers out of others, especially family. I know I can't and I have tried to get her back into church but the response I got was everyone at church is "fake." I tried to explain that there is a difference between being fake and being human....sure there are some that "pretend" to be Christ followers for deception but most people are just HUMAN. Trying to do better and walking the path at different paces. Of course I'm a hypocrite, I want to be all the things HE wants me to be ...but I am not. I don't pretend to be either. I do admit to giving advice to people that I don't live by myself and that is wrong....no excuse. THAT IS what GRACE is all about....we stumble but plod ahead. FORGIVEN. It's hard to grow from a spiritual baby to an obedient servant. But judging others hypocrisy is just an excuse for not looking at self. I know this because I spent YEARS doing it. Yes, we all have unfulfilled intentions, we are all sinners, we all have room for growth, but blaming others doesn't get you closer to God it pushes Him away. If I focus on others I can keep telling myself "at least I'm not that bad." I have found the only way I can mature is if I include my intimate personal relationship with Jesus (and He left us the Holy Spirit but I have much to work on there too in terms of understanding). I find it very easy to confuse what I THINK GOD wants me to do and what He's really guiding me to do. Lack of spiritual maturity or selfishness or many combined things fog my clarity but it is getting better. God knows our hearts so I feel like the mercy and grace is not limited to a quota. Just keep plodding on…. But as my best friend told me last night as I was crying and saying I was alone …he reminded me “GOD IS ALWAYS WITH YOU.” Yes, the comfort of others is needed but the relationship with God is essential! Thanks dear friend for talking to me on the phone in the middle of the night! Once again, wishing I wasn’t sharing my struggles “out loud” but know HE has a reason for it.

JUST A BROKEN ME TODAY ….I think I need some STOMP gospel to get me going…dance, and sing, and pray with me. YES I am GOING to dance to this video because GOD’s got me and you!