Sunday, June 06, 2010
THE MAKINGS OF A HUMAN CHAMELEON
"The chameleon's ability to change its skin color has made it one of the most interesting creatures in the animal kingdom. The lizard possesses the ability to instantly camouflage itself by changing its skin color to match its surroundings."
PERFECTING THE ART OF LYING TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS:
The meditation this morning was about James, the brother of Jesus, and even though it was not on this subject but it said something about how well James knew the mind of Jesus. It made me think about how far I was from knowing my own mind no less the character of Christ. Not even able to keep track of my own lies (at the height of active addiction). How “twisted” and distorted my perception of everything and everybody was. Slowly becoming free of self, at the pace of a snail, God is revealing Himself to me like never before! It feels like breaking out of jail! Clarity and perception of self…YECH! Several personal inventories later I see new and deeper levels of this broken mind and soul. Like pealing an onion it has many layers. I just can’t express how thankful I am that I didn’t see ALL OF ME at once; because I wouldn’t have made it out alive! Still growing and imperfect- I imagine that this will be a part of my ongoing LIVING OUTLOUD, as he reveals more to me every time I seek for His truth. Just so you can see how “unwell” I still am …when the bill collectors call I say “Karin is unavailable at the moment can I take a message!” Honesty really makes me “right sized” ….little me…BIG GOD!
The life of a “human chameleon”
It’s an art form, devised by years of practice—a cauldron with several ingredients and motives, WITHOUT CASTING BLAME (SOME ARE TRULY JUSTIFIABLE- rape, war, abuse….) and yet there comes a time that DESPITE life’s card’s I had to decide how to play them—then the consequences became mine (even though I still tried to blame others!)!. My life depended on it. “Bitter or Better” -Sometimes, both. My journey was spent largely on things that didn’t work. Always pretending to be something I wasn’t to fit in. Self-medication, manipulation, blaming others to avoid self-examination, justifying behavior with excuses that make it “seem” acceptable in the eyes of others, outright lying to avoid responsibilities, a multitude of masks to appear to others the way I “thought” they wanted to see me… always running away (I showed up wherever I went… eventually!)-----all signs of my broken soul. Like quicksand---sinking further and further into self that I almost couldn't breath anymore.
Always looking outside of myself for the answer…I suffered from a case of the “if onlys”… Everything would be fine -IF ONLY I HAD : the right man, the right job, 2.5 kids, white picket fence. ON and On I could go. I had all of those things and more but still didn’t want to look in the mirror. When I finally did, when there was nothing and nobody left, I tried to drown myself into oblivion even further. What a self-imposed horror! To cut myself some slack here I really didn’t have a clue, at that time, that there was any HOPE for me. I was certain, by then; I had used all my chances, if there ever was one to start with!!
Living Out Loud is all about finding the truth and spiritual growth. Not being an expert at anything- or telling anyone what they should do, all I offer you is ME! Most of what I have to share with you goes under the column titled “what not to do!” And yes, it is only my view so cut me some slack before throwing me in the judgmental frying pan.
Why? Once again, do I do this in public? As I said, I am certain God wants me to, and often I don’t like
The purpose? Because I am not alone and one of my greatest hopes, even if I don’t live to see it, is that it draws others closer to God. I personally experienced much of my life in a state of hopelessness and HOPE is the greatest gift I can offer. Too much hopelessness surrounds the world in general.
So for now I make my life an open book as a testimony to HIS living power and love.
That’s what I am….a miracle.
There is NO SUCH THING as a perfect Christian....We all fall short....that's the beauty of Jesus.
I am often tempted to cover up the still existing defects, shortcomings, and failures…out of self-preservation and sometimes embarrassment- I am really trying hard at setting myself aside. If I am not transparent- good and bad ---how are you able to see or be drawn to the power of His Love. That is my prayer. I AM NOT SELLING OR PUSHING GOD ON ANYONE….I am just inviting you to join me as I walk. I hope I am always walking in the right direction, but don’t have that expectation, I fall every day. I’m a two steps forward- 1 back- kind of human and have a clumsy streak that is charming (I can trip over anything)!
I also have a deep rooted, angry, sad side that is too easily triggered.Watching God work on that in front of an audience will be my most challenging task. I really thought that being a Christ follower would make the “ugly” side go away, POOF like magic. That hasn’t been my experience. The difference today is that, I BEVELIEVE WITHOUT A DOUBT, no matter what, HE will forgive me and refine me. It might mean discipline, or consequences,or another lesson learned but that is tremendous leap of faith from where I started.
His Grace…..endless …
Last thoughts:
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, and walk out the door, then deny him by their lifestyle." - Brennan Manning
Claire Manning
NOTHING CAN SEPARATE ME FROM THE LOVE OF GOD!
Love, Karin AKA MAMA FOREVER
No comments:
Post a Comment