The battle rages on in my head!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

CLARITY & CONFUSION??? LOOKING FOR SOME ADVICE! PLEASE!

Half of my blood is Cain’s Blood…half of my Blood ……..

YES, I KNOW THE BATTLE HAS ARLREADY BEEN WON AND THE SACRIFICE JESUS MADE PAID THE SINNER’S PRICE- BUT DAY BY DAY THE WAR RAGES INSIDE ME AND MY HEART WONDERS IF IT CAN HOLD ON!

Matthew 10:34-39 

(English Standard Version)

Not Peace, but a Sword

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Matthew 7:3-5

(3) And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? (4) Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? (5) Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. 

Well, being judgmental of others was (and sometimes still is) a way avoid looking at myself, comparing, and, not hold myself accountable for my own decisions and actions. Sometimes, it evens has the added benefit of being able to blame others for my own faults. I spent a long time surrounding myself with people I thought were in worse shape than me, so I thought i looked OK,  finding little comfort in the comparison!

It’s so much easier to point the faults of others out, especially the glaring ones, almost like it makes you appear superior (to self and others). Hate to admit how many times I did something nice for someone in front of other people so they would consider me as a compassionate sensitive person…when all along it had that subtle selfish motive of soothing myself and “working for forgiveness”. HOW DISTORTED! The mind, at least mine, is so complicated, I confuse myself easily and have been long programmed to defend my actions. Then when I am focused on God and trying to live for him my nature of selfishness and confusion are in constant conflict with “WHAT’S’ right. (THE EVIL ONE LOVES THAT!)! His specialty is confusion and self-doubt.-both work well with me! Not to mention my kids have the “guilt button” down pat!

Today, I was just thinking (going through some difficult family stuff---enable vs abandon…Threw my daughter out …again…We each see it different. Desperately wanting to do the right thing the “right” thing ---HURTS like HELL. I’m so prone to let her back home again, like I always do, and it NEVER makes it better for HER or us!

                I thought I’d share on some things that are helping me find clarity and conviction and not always cave in due to doubt. I am easily manipulated by hearing what I want to hear from those I love. So a brief list of tools to keep me on track… stick to my guns and pray I survive the short run…the long run will be best for all of them if I can just not “give in.” Usually, before I get to this point, I stubbornly try event “human” solution possible” and with greater depths of discouragement go to the place I should have gone in the first place!

                Things that help me when I’m confused with anything:

•     Pray for God’s wisdom. Study the Bible.
•     Pray to control my anger (frustration + confusion = anger)
•     Seek wise council-meaning people who tell you the TRUTH; not what you want to hear or just agree with you. People that love Christ and you enough to sat what needs to be said even if it costs them the relationship. I am blessed with several of these and today I LISTEN TO THEM try to anyway)!  I’m lucky. I used to surround myself with people who only agreed with me so I could justify my actions and avoid conflict and responsibility.
•      Try and calm down and not “react” (really hard for me –control; freak with panic attacks! (yes you can laugh…I laugh at myself all the time).
•       Isolate from others (good for short periods of time but I do it as an escape)
•       WRITE- one of my greatest helps. It sorts my thoughts out…I don’t have to hold back, I’m not reacting to “someone” saying things I can’t take back). I have time to reread my thoughts to see if they express what I’m trying to articulate. So many advantages! ESPECIALLY my letters to God, He has often answered me before I even finish writing!

There is plenty more that I can do that I am less disciplined at. I know I spend much more time talking than listening (writing than reading!) …I know…God gave us 2 ears and one mouth to listen twice as much as we talk…. YADA YADA YADA as we say in NY…….growth….and slow at that!

I love and appreciate those of you who follow my journey. I am titling this one OPEN for ADVICE! I am, of course, going to put all “advice and opinions” through the God filter, but I know many of you have been parents that have taught their children Christian values from the beginning, many who have learned from their mistakes, many with just a prayer that I can be a “late bloomer” and the parent the need me to be, and those of you confused as I am.

Not wanting to complain, but living out loud is about being honest, and hurting is REAL! Not wanting details disclosed in public for respect of her privacy I won’t explain circumstances but will say I LOVE HER MORE THAN WORDS and am powerless to change her life decisions- just can’t watch the consequence’s any more … that hurts too. What hurts the most? She too much like me! God protect HER PLEASE even though this “Gods stuff” is ridiculous to her now…I remember when it was ridiculous to me too!

CLARITY? Where can I obtain the clearest perspective of self, others, and God?

clar·i·ty

   [klar-i-tee] 

–noun

1.

clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding;freedom from indistinctness or 

ambiguity.

2.

the state or quality of being clear or transparent to the eye;pellucidity: the clarity of pure 

water.

HUGS as always,

Karin AKA MAMA FOREVER