LET TODAY BE YOUR MASTERPIECE!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010 7AM

Let Each Day Be Your Masterpiece.

Just to keep you going this morning, because I know this is going to be longer than usual…some of the dirt…and the secret, are hidden….towards the bottom …. but you’ll miss it if you don’t read it in order!

Today is the first in many that I don’t have an early appointment somewhere and that feels so good. I can write without the nagging anxiety of being late somewhere. Yes, that is a huge part of my story as well. Anxiety to the point of panic at times and yet, that too has taught me so much. Of course, like many things, a story in itself and this is not the time.

Today’s writing is dedicated to FAMILY and I am compelled to begin with an awful thought that haunted me all day. I was in the car yesterday with my daughter (who isn’t speaking to me at the moment) and I thought, what if I were to die tonight and left so much unsaid? 


Then as usual, God steps in and answers me!  


My bucket list- # 1: say it NOW while I can! 


In all likelihood it will mean nothing to them now but never the less, NOW is when I am to write it.  WHY would share it with YOU?  Because it’s the WHOLE POINT! A summary, I suppose. The only thing I have of any real worth … HOPE. Sharing it with YOU today, I pray, might lend that HOPE now to someone somewhere….as for when and if they read this and understand…that I have to leave in God’s hands. I am not in control; my job is to do my part. As usual, I don’t want to. I don’t want to tell you the truth about me. I don’t want the task ahead one little bit and yet, it is in those times, when I want to rebel and make excuses, that

 I KNOW I AM DOING WHAT I A LEAD TO DO.

This morning’s meditation:

A Creed For Those Who Have Suffered

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey...
I asked for health, that I might do great things.
I was given infirmity that I might do better things...
I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that I might be wise...
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God...
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things...
I got nothing I asked for – but everything I had hoped for;
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among men, most richly blessed! Attributed to an unknown Confederate soldier

I AM, DESPITE MYSELF, MORE RICHLY BLESSED THAN I HAVE THE WORDS TO DESCRIBE.

I open up my email, as usual, to read one of the devotionals that I subscribe to, and right on top was a reply from my cousin David, who by the way, I found on the computer just recently. It is his email that included this poem and became my meditation for the day.  I often think that the only family I have left is my three children and grandson. I occasionally include a sister who has made herself “unreachable” for the last 15 years. Well, I do have some distant family and the distance is just as much my fault as theirs. My cousin David, is actually my second cousin. My father was 53 when I was born and it’s David’s father (also named David)who is actually my cousin, but it is this David who is closest in age to me and that I grew up with. He is also the only person who visited me in my first rehab. I think that is the last time I saw or heard from him- over 20 years ago.  I am introducing him this morning because in the last week we he has become such an incredible source of strength and inspiration. He also told me that my Aunt Sue (my father’s sister---David’s grandmother) will be 100 years old this October!  The last time I saw her was when my son Karl was just a baby and I know I have a picture of them together somewhere but that was over 22 years ago. Reunion time?

Included in my before writing routine is also praise music. Today, I am going to share two songs. One is defiantly NOT from a worship band, it’s from a Stained song called, "It’s Been awhile” The lyrics, to me, speak the words I felt for so many years better than I ever could. It’s not for the faint hearted either! The problem, just like in my life, is that the solution is not found in ANOTHER PERSON (as the song suggests).The solution, is nothing that can be found outside of ourselves.. Anything that has ever given me that “illusion” has been temporary. A bandaid.  I always wished something could “fix me”…. If only …I spent my life saying that.  If only I didn’t come from where I did, if only this didn’t happen, if only I had the right man, if only ….. well, without putting words in their mouths, I’m fairly certain that MY CHILDREN FEEL EXACTLY THAT- IF ONLY MY MOM WAS’T WHO SHE IS!  Well yes, I did some horrific damage to those I love, just like my parents did to me. That is my only regret in life--- hurting the ones I love. However, there comes a time when BLAMING no longer works and the IF ONLY’S become an excuse for accountability. I wouldn’t change a thing.

There is only ONE solution. 

I was previously scared to say that because the praise of others was what I sought. Today, I HAVE to say that because it is the only TRUTH I have found. Not very popular, but if you read on and be patient with me, TODAY is the day I will Share the HOW I found God because that is all I have left unsaid to my children of any worth. I am certain, beyond ANT DOUBT that the HOW works for EVERYBODY!

THE THEN SONG: Stained "It's Been Awhile"

THE NOW: is praise music! ”Before the morning” It comes from LIFE IS NOT A SNAPSHOT by Josh Wilson and it’s encouraging for the believers is just awesome. His website http://joshwilson.sparrowrecords.com/

But it is selfish motivation that I share this song with you today because to me it is exactly like the scripture and I need it to plod on.

Galatians 6:9 (King James Version)

 9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap,

 if we faint not.

Well, fainting is what do best! Great (sometimes even AMAZING) beginnings followed by utter defeat. That’s when I am doing things MY WAY! It is a DAILY MUST for me, # one on things to do list, ASK HIM TO DRIVE MY LIFE! The task for the day is to actually let Him. Easy enough to pray in the morning and then grab the steering wheel and  back 5 seconds later….at least for me. PRACTICE! PRAYER! PATIENCE! Yeeeccch! 

I want it ALL RIGHT NOW- whatever the “it” is!

Before I  go on any further I have a few photos I want to share with you (my cousin David is sending me some too from our childhood! Can’t wait!). It is HIS story that I am sharing but it is only through MY LIFE that I can tell it. So, I want you to see how beautiful my family is. I also know I need to be careful because even though they are not reading my blog, one of them has already expressed a concern about sharing “her stuff.” They have not yet reached the place where the world revolves around God and not the small box they see today. I PRAY SOME DAY SOON THAT WILL CHANGE and 
I hope they find it sooner than me!

  Karl Robert , born 12/6/1986 Port Jefferson , NY

  Serenity Kay, born 7/5/1989 Stony Brook, NY

  and Brayden Cole, my grandson, born 2/8/2007, Augusta, Ga.

  Chloe Katherine, born 4/8/1996, St. Augustine, FL

The photos, in, order of age, except my Grandson, are not current, but rather reflective of what I see in them. These are the most precious gifts God has ever given to me and each one of my children is unique in their own right. I used to say” I wish they came out with an instruction manual” but that was before I knew and accepted that they had!

OK…. Here goes. Writing for almost 4 hours now! Still reading? One thing you can expect from me is change. I’ve been formatting everything I’ve written by the then and the now….well here is a bit of the middle! After countless attempts of trying to change: trying to change my circumstances, trying to change myself, trying to get clean and sober, trying to be a good parent, trying to hold onto a relationship, trying to find God, I just got EXHAUSTED and went straight to the source. Yup, that’s the secret, IN THE WORLD the best SALESMAN wins, on almost every subject. So, after I tried everything I could that was humanly possible and failed, including MANMADE RELIGION,

I SIMPLY ASKED HIM TO SHOW ME!  Too easy, but that’s my truth. Now, I previously thought I had “God” in my life but NO CLARITY. I remember, as if it were yesterday exactly what happened. By this time, I had been in and out of self-help programs (which by the way are not “self” help) for ten years. The longest I had ever remained cleans and sober was around 5 years, but that included, what I refer to as some legal relapses, like pain meds during surgeries. One of the first God experience’s I had happened in detox ten years prior, but I’ll share that later, just like what I’m about to tell you --- it is hard, if not IMPOSSIBLE to believe. Anyway, one of the “steps” after admitting defeat and surrendering to complete powerlessness of whatever addiction you suffer from, is turning your life and will over to the 
care of God “as you understand him.”

Several problems for me at this stage, at first I didn’t believe at all, then when I started to believe in a “power greater than myself”  I was convinced I was still going to fail because I thought I had done that and still relapsed. The second problem was still being plagued with the guilt and shame of what I had become and the people’s lives I randomly blew though like a class 5 hurricane. They spoke a new language in the “rooms,” as they are loving referred to, and I was more comfortable than ever before because for the first time I know I wasn’t alone and unique. I learned a bit about the difference between being sick and not BAD, but still had trouble not blaming myself. I still maintained a “mask” because I didn’t know how to act any other way. 
As usual, I thought I had everyone else’s answers when I couldn’t even find my own (big character flaw).I also suffer from being more intelligent than is healthy for simple solutions! 


So off to search for God and since I was lonely I also began looking for a “man” immediately since I had already destroyed my marriage, thinking foolishly “we can help each other stay sober.”  (that is ill advised in early recovery but I didn’t listen to much that was suggested until doing whatever I was doing my was caused me enough pain to try and do it God’s way. Oh, my dirt, I also entered AA, pregnant with my daughter Serenity. I found out I was pregnant in rehab and had some tough choices to make… try and restore my family, which I think he was willing to do at that time, or tell the truth-abort the baby and live a lie– my husband and I had been separated for close to a year by then (I think) and the father of my beautiful daughter was someone living the same destructive path I was and one of the suppliers of my favorite poison at that time. Well, since you see Serenity’s pictures above you already know what choice I made. More on all that in the THEN, but now back to the solution.

OK, so I start going to meetings, begin to feel an ounce of self-esteem and unfortunately a little self-righteousness. I was still confused and erroneously thought I was DOING IT. That I WAS KEEPING MYSELF SOBER. What a LIE!  


Ego is a killer.

The real beginning of the God search. I was too damaged by then to actually concentrate long enough to pray without ten other thoughts flooding my head at the same time (also undiagnosed ADHD) so I got one of the BEST suggestion’s I ever got in my path to finding God…it especially is good for people, who were like me at time, uncertain, unfocused, and trained to believe that anyone who believed or relied on God was too weak to stand on their own two feet and live life successfully.

This was given to me by Molly (thank you forever) at a meeting, after I shared my frustration with this God thing and prayer. I’m making it BOLD PRINT BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH it took another 10 years it doing this that it resulted in an authentic relationship with God (which is dynamic and changes every day) it was worth every minute.  Ten years, a long, VERY LONG TIME, for an impatient person like me.

The Secret to how I found God.

SHE said, and my memory is far from good, so not verbatim, “For me to get a note book and start by writing down the characteristics of what I felt a perfect FATHER would be. Now don’t get confused here, some people are instructed by “sponsors” or told to try and write down what they want God to be. That doesn’t work. God is God, and we are not going to make Him into anything different for our convenience (tried that too at first). How can I surrender my life to a God of my understanding? First, I didn’t even understand myself. Second, by then all that was producing in me was a concoction of a God of my misunderstanding- One that was happy enough with me as long as I didn’t drink or take drugs anymore. Phew…not even close!

I need to note here that I believe that AA and programs like it are God inspired and anything I say is just how I responded. It was AA that brought me God and is set up the way it is to leave the door open to anyone who suffers from alcoholism. It is only later that it becomes our personal responsibility to create a “relationship” with Him. If People had to believe what took me all this time to learn in order to get some help then few would enter the doors. Many have cried out from the foxhole for God to help them thinking He doesn’t exist or they are not worthy because they can’t stop their own addictions. Pushing GOD in someone’s face Is never effective in my experience.

Ok. What is a perfect father or parent? I had no idea. I did know I didn’t have one and I knew I wasn’t one. I don’t know anyone perfect but there were a few people in my life that I respected and admired whose character showed me aspects of what I was trying to envision… but it was still a hard list to write. Especially because with each line I wrote I saw how FAR I was from being what I viewed and respected as a parent.  Painful as well because at the time there were the people in my life (especially my inlaws) that were constant reminders to me of what human failure I was. I would never measure up no matter what I did, so why bother? IT WAS THOSE PEOPLE WHO I longed TO be LIKE, WHO I WAS JEALOUS OF TO THE POINT OF HATING because of the shame I carried with me for so long. Even though all of it all they ever showed me was love.

I FOLLOWED THE SUGGESTION AND DID WHAT I WAS TOLD BECAUSE I WAS READY TO LISTEN AND SAW THAT IT WAS WORKING IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS.

Part of my list (it was also suggested that if I got stuck to think about how I felt about my own children, not what I was always able to practice, but what I felt.)

1.   Top of the list was: 

     Unconditional love despite ANY ACTION: well, I knew for a fact that there is nothing in the world that could change the love I have for my children. I might hate what they are doing, or have no ability to reach them, but even if they were to outright murder another human, I would LOVE THEM anyway.

2.To never leave my side, to feel confident that I would never be abandoned.

3.        To protect me.

4.       To teach me and add clarity to all the confusion in the world.

5.       To give me love, guidance, and truth when I was losing my way.

6.       To listen to me and HEAR what I was feeling behind the words.

7.       To be never changing and consistent so I always knew what to expect from our        relationship.

8.       To have a relationship that allowed me to trust Him enough to listen to his prompting BEFORE I made some life’s mistakes on my own and have to be suffer the consequences  unnecessarily.

I hope I don’t have to say that That IS FAR from who I was or AM, but is exactly who I’d like to be.

OK Next was to form that “perfect Father in my mind” and to open my notebook daily and to write to him as if he were living elsewhere--- but very much alive and responding to my letters.  I could do that and by then even though I had no Idea who “HE” was I did believe that He existed.  Well, I now have in storage somewhere 20 years of letters to God! The first 10 were to a General God of modern times, the one that refers to the God that people believe they will find if they live a certain way or just believe; the “all spiritual paths lead to God” philosophy that is a much broader path than the one than I am on now. It wasn’t working. I could stay sober most of the time but not consistently. Depression and mental illness plagued me. I was lost after 10 years of AA and when you fail at the last place for hope you are truly the poster child of Failure with a capital F.

I still continued to write my letter to MY DEAR FATHER, but when I was at my worst, I neglected my writing, hiding in the bushes like Adam and Eve.  

Why did it take so long to get to the point where I finally just went directly to God instead of borrowing everyone else’s concept of Him? I don’t know.

Lying in bed writing, shortly after Chloe was born, I was starting my letter to God and it dawned on me …I really am uncertain about who I’m wring to and felt the chills go down my spine. So I told him just that!

Dear Father,

I want so much to know you, to trust you, and to believe in you with confidence. I am so subject to the influence of others and there are some pretty good salesmen out there!”  What if all along I believe that my path will lead me to you and it doesn’t? What if all my prayers haven’t even gone past my ceiling -no less to you. No, I’m not asking you to hit me with a lightning bolt or light a burning bush in my path…I simply want to know the answer to this question. Do all spiritual paths lead to you and just call you by a different name or is there ONLY ONE WAY to you? Jesus Christ, your son? I have gone back and forth with that confusion for years and KNOW FOR A FACT that the ONLY thing anyone here on earth has to offer me is their belief system. I have never just simple asked YOU! . For someone who considers herself so bright that sure a huge insight I missed. So tonight, I AM ASKING YOU! Please show me the TRUTH.

Love your daughter,  Karin

I’m certain that’s not the exact letter because I wrote it maybe 14 years ago,  but it is the same prayer that was answered. Later when I share more with you I will tell you how He answered and what happened next but right now that is not important. I will also add that I have and still do struggle with many of the same things I did then. I fall short every day and there is no magic in any of this. It’s just a journey we walk full of decisions and consequences, but the question is who are you walking with? Who is carrying you when you can’t walk yourself.

JUST ASK…not me …HIM.. He said He will answer. He Promises He will answer!

Well I’ve written from 7am until now….2PMS…seven straight hours, I sure wasn't expecting that.  That’s almost a full day’s work except it was a joy …especially if You heard what I shared.

Karin AKA MAMA FOREVER out for now.

Lucky you. I have an early appointment in the morning and promise I’ll keep it short!