The Shape of Your Heart?

Friday, May 21, 2010 9AM

THE SHAPE OF MY HEART

I was tempted this morning to whine a little 

about last night’s concert being cancelled, but 

I make plans and God laughs!

That was just a disappointment, life has many.

Instead I will give HIM the floor. little me.

Song for the day: Sting: Shape of My Heart

THE NOW AND THEN COMBINED

What is really pressing on my heart is the present condition of my family,

 more specifically the relationships with my children.  

All I can say is, once again, I am doing it OUTLOUD 

because I am compelled to and because maybe GOD will share the solution with US as I travel.  

Yes, I said, with us because I don’t know how to “fix” it

 and suspect I am not alone.

 So that’s what I doing, taking it to GOD in front of YOU so maybe,

 I get to be used as a channel of HOPE.

There are always plenty of people to give advice, judgment, and criticism.

 There are a few people who have helpful guidance, suggestions, and support. There are even less who listen, love and 

say “take it to God” and walk with you through it!

I would much prefer to tell you I am great mother and my kids adore me!

 They don’t and with good reason. I try, yes, but all they have ever witnessed is that THE ONLY CONSISTANCY IN ME- IS INCONCISTANCY!  

When I try and be consistent it always turns into enabling them (for me).  Then I break down and give them what they want

 so that they will “love” me again. 

The end result is NONE OF THEM THINK I CARE ABOUT THEM AT ALL.

 Obviously, it’s not just a lack of discipline and inconsistency

 that has caused all the difficulties we have.

It’s a melting pot. Every family has their own.

I also must add that there is MY part and THEIR PART.

I am ONLY taking responsibility for mine.

A GREAT lesson.

Manipulation and guilt comes from blaming others

 for your part in the condition of an situation.

Mine: I get to throw in addiction , depression, anxiety, 

anger, fear, inability to maintain relationships (not just failed marriages)

 and much more.

 I have been a runner from myself for so long

 that I have very few long term relationships with anyone. 

My kids, however, have been stuck with me. 

They would not hesitate for a second, I believe, in calling me the

 BIGGEST HYPOCRITE they have ever seen. 

Sharing all this God “stuff”, as they call it, 

when I can’t even show them the love and support they need.

I really struggle at this point because, in part that is very true.

 I have better relationships with strangers than my own children.

 The SHAPE OF MY HEART has changed too many times to list.

 For a long time it was just a cold hard stone.

 Then, when I became a parent, I felt a love I had never experienced before.

Being such a failure as a parent and as a person,

 in my own eyes, my heart became NUMB.

 It was a self-defense mechanism to survive 

because feeling often hurts too much. 

I was a light switch for the longest part of my life,

 able to shut down at will (with some help!)

 SELF MEDICATION, it worked for a short while 

(by the way self-medication is NOT just drugs and alcohol,

 it can come in many forms: food, shopping, relationships, or

 any escape that works for you).

 The first time I remember

 getting drunk I was 8 years old (another long story) 

Then when I tried to stay sober

 feelings became UNBEARABLE at times.

 Seeing the bare truth (inventory) is 

supposed to be used as a tool, so we can

 then GIVE IT TO GOD, LET GO, and MOVE ON.

I WAS STUCK.

 Now here comes the chicken and the egg, depression. Which came first? 

It doesn’t even matter anymore.

Then came a god of “my convenience”; that was the God that I confused with the one that exists and have TODAY. The self-created god of “my convenience” is interesting because I have seen a lot of others do the same thing and end up baffled (like me), why sobriety and “life” wasn’t working.  

For me, the only way to explain this is through my experience, so as I try, I PRAY it is GOD speaking to YOU and not Karin.

By the way, I was 30 when I arrived at the doors of AA so running and self medicating was a way of life, not just a bad habit.

Anyway, I confused “a God of my understanding” (from Alcoholics Anonymous), and the God I had seen in the world- “You are SURELY Gonna Burn in Hell” and thought I was allowed to make up one of my own or pick someone else’s. Well, I thought I had already tried all the ones out there so

 I BEGAN TO MAKE MY OWN….!

Well, I knew this new creation frowned on drinking and drugging because that what brought me to where I was. I made new ground rules based on what I believed this creation expected from me but still allowing my selfish wants.

ALL I REALLY DID WAS CREATE a MUTATION!

...a false god that allowed me to use other methods to soothe my brokenness that continued to fail. 

How long did it take me to find GOD and the secret, as I call it,

 to finding HIM I wrote about a few days ago.

 Only now can see that that is only part of the truth, 

 I am wondering IF the REAL TRUTH IS 

I knew way longer than I want to admit but didn’t like the rules!

 I didn’t want THAT God because I was certain, that if true, 

I was doomed to failure.

I knew nothing about MERCY AND GRACE

 and because I returned to old patterns (relapse is just one), 

I ASSUMED that there was LIMIT on how many times God would give me another chance. I WAS CERTAIN I HAD USED UP MORE THAN MY QUOTA!

 Now that depressing!

YOU CAN LAUGH NOW- because it’s a lie. 

God doesn’t have a quota! 

The “quota” is only determined by the size of the BOX you put Him in!

Understand God?

 Ridiculous.

 I can’t, HE is far too BIG for me--- 

but HE did give us Jesus 

and by studying His character I can learn His nature.

 I can also learn HOW TO LIVE!

 Yes, it even says I can expect to fall short daily. 

It doesn’t say go ahead and do what I want

 because He will forgive me ANYWAY! 

It says we are human and will continue to make mistakes 

and loving us isn’t based on what we DO. 

I KNOW THAT LOVING GOD MAKES ME WANT TO DO THINGS DIFFERENT.

 IT ENCOURAGES ME TO BE BETTER. 

 I love my children despite what they do sometimes. 

One of the reasons I do this “God Stuff” is

 because it continues to teach me how to do the “life” stuff. 

 Not fast enough for them- or me! 

I just hope I can repair some of the damage done and that the eternity promised will be their destination despite my inability to lead them there.

I’m going to close today with the thought of how progress is measured. 

Well, you can’t measure anything without a STARTING POINT (mine was dark and cold) and an ENDING POINT (I haven’t got there YET!). Right now the shape of my heart is in TRANSFORMATION. 

My comfort zone is still isolation and fiction.

 GOD has me by the hand and pulling me out slowly. I’ll leave it at that.

Karin AKA JAG Mama Forever