A new "patient" for Wormwood!

Thursday, May 27, 2010 7AM

A NEW PATIENT FOR WORMWOOD   

"the safest path to hell is the gradual one." CS LEWIS

I awoke BEYOND WEARY this morning. Just too much confusion and brokenness to “fix” and I can’t….but HE can. I just need to hold on. My home last night came from a scene of my own past horror story and I was a main player. Passed conviction--- into frustration…I lost it. Giving into RAGE and frustration, I dead bolted my bedroom door and prayed that there would be no further outbursts, from any of us.

I have an 8AM appointment this morning and the outcome has a huge effect on my family as a whole. It will determine where it sits on the long list of “what’s next to cope with” in practical survival . Further, I am so emotionally torn to pieces from yesterday’s family confrontation’s that all I want to do is pull the covers back over my head and return to the numb comfort of the fetal position.

Yes, with all the love and trust I have in my mercifully God, I need to find rest today in order to plod on. I have faith in God ---it’s me that is the problem. I tend to jump in before HIM and make things worse! 

MY JOB IS TO HOLD ON TO THE REINS TIGHT and follow His lead! Sounds simple enough but I just don't seem to "get it." I suppose it's because I'm too distracted trying to do HIS part instead of mine.

The family confrontations of yesterday have left me back to ‘whipped” and all I can say is “God Move the Mountain or Move Me!” I have to find that song for you because it is so beautiful. I am too admittedly weak to, as a human to move forward another inch, without HIM refilling me daily.

My spiritual and emotional gas tank is on empty at the moment (with the warning light on!)

Guess what I finally figured out? If you don’t go to the gas “station” you can’t get gas!

If your car runs on unleaded and you put diesel in (that's me) – determined to change things on self will…the end result is self inflicted break down!

BACK FROM APPOINTMENT NOON: Positive outcome and HUGE relief and no doubt another miracle because it is one of those situations I was fairly certain would have a negative outcome…. BAD THINKING (me once again!).

OK, solving dilemmas’, WITH THE GUIDANCE OF GOD! Waking up thinking, if I didn’t follow up on plan B then I was being, yet again, disobedient. After prayer and meditation, I realized that My GOD is so HUGE and creative that maybe my black and white prior plans were still tainted with some impulsively and imposed self-will, rather that God’s purpose. The end result of Plan B was just another form of enabling. I was also, very gently reminded, that it may be more than I am able to take on at the moment.

How BIG IS MY GOD? Well, HUGE, it occurred to me that maybe a plan C would form that has the desired results and prayed that the answers would be revealed. They are unfolding as I write.

Enough said about the “details” because they involve the privacy of others too.

The PROCESS is the IMPORTANCE of the lesson I am now learning.  Allowing God to “refine” me and my distorted thinking requires daily commitment and practice. Patience in the process, listening to what others have to offer (trusted sources of wisdom ONLY) and finding the right answers to difficult situations is often a struggle. I fight with an ongoing awareness that self -will is SNEAKY, subject to overtaking good decision making at any given moment if I act on pure emotion or impulsively.  The same is true with the manipulation of others, I am easily too easily influenced by the behaviors and words of what I want to “hear”.   Everything needs to be sorted and sifted through the “GOD FILTER” if my life is HIS and not mine. It reminds me of the Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. It is VERY easy to stray from God’s path and let self-absorption and life’s PURPOSE take a back seat.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Screwtape_Letters