FOPPERY & FLASHBACKS & THE LAST RESORT

TUESDAY, May 25, 2010 9:45 AM & WEDNESDAY MAY 26,2010 

THE THEN   MY MOM 1951  KAY NORTON

CUTE TWIST : Marilyn Monroe was on back over of this issue! Found a bunch of old, cool stuff about my parents on the internet last night when I couldn’t sleep. Brought back tons of memories. I saw what the outside world saw!  (well not then I was born 7 years later!) by that time she was VP of United Artists Music and several other things as well..

Ohhhh the stories I have to tell, what a RICH cultural family I was born into. The arts, music, writing, Broadway, NY City in the 50's and 60's. A book of its own right. My roots will always be a blessing. What was going on behind the closed doors at home? Like most homes....our secrets. Well, sharing secrets to me has a duel purpose, GIVING HOPE and FREEDOM. Mostly, my secrets. My intention isn't to share other people's secrets- but the impact of some of the lives intertwined with mine IS part of my story. So, in advance, my apologies,  if I step on any toes of the living, There is no intention to hurt anyone. No intention to expose what isn't mine, however that is bound to happen because life is full of the people who touch ours.

THE NOW:  

HUGE LIE: If you think we have to clean up our lives BEFORE we come to God. IMPOSSIBLE! Even one of the greatest disciples, continued to struggle with being human. Our only HOPE lies in living WITH GOD! He has the power to change us...all you need to bring to church is the willingness.

Bring a mustard seed!

Paul, Romans;14-20

The Conflict of Two Natures 
      14For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. 15For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. 16But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law,confessing that the Law is good. 17So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. 19For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. 20But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.

On line bible in tons of translations and languages! http://nasb.scripturetext.com/romans/7.htm

Would you call Paul a hypocrite for admitting how hard it is to battle self? Yes, words, easy to talk, walking is a another story. Walking with God, is the only hope that the walk and talk ever come close, at least in the human state. Hypocrites, God loves us too!

THE NOW

I came, finally, about 4 years ago to a place where I felt comfortable enough to  try doing  this church thing again. I was fitly with sin (simple means separated from GOD) and broken. In the beginning,  I  ran way a few times, when i didn't like what i heard (forced a mirror in my face) but kept finding myself returning. I had found a very special place, certain God lead me there.  The whole purpose of, TrueNorth Church, the place I worship, was to  reach people just like me. LOST and HOPEless, wanting to believe but certain I WAS UNFORGIVABLE! I was wrong. I have been there almost 4 years now and, still often haunted by the poking thorns, I know God's mercy and grace. You can live God's purpose despite your warts and thorns! What a RELIEF! Hope was not just a word, it was ALIVE!

The point of living out loud, is to share that some secrets are powerful enough to make us feel alone and isolated, a LIE! We are NOT alone. No experience or feeling is unique, it only feels that way when left buried deep inside...like a cancerous tumor. It was originally through AA I first found this out. It was the first place I felt at home, among people that knew who I was and who loved me anyway. HUGE nugget of gold found; however that was just a beginning because the journey is slow, and of course, with my personality, I walked in with my most comfortable mask. Mask 1- most commonly used in public-(the I know everything one-how unattractive-and didn't know it) Impossible to learn anything new when you think you already know the answer! 

Everything I share I learned from someone else so don't think for a second I am coming up with any of this on my I own. First, God is with me to help me share it honestly and to draw YOU TO HIM, second the only credit I will accept is a willingness to be transparent, the ugly and the beautiful, as a living example of HOW my path lead me to JESUS CHRIST and not somewhere else.

I asked for the truth, I found there is ONLY ONE. You may not believe that or consider me narrow minded, but if you continue to read what I share, my life is living proof that I TRIED EVERY THING ELSE, including man made Christian  "religion" which was another failure for me. It took me about 10 years to get to the next point because even though I could stay clean and sober (most of the time) with just going to self -help meetings and following their instructions : nothing worked until I went directly to HIM, willing to  admit my brokenness, feel again the sorrow of my my actions (repent) and plod on. Why didn't it work before?...Because I HAD CREATED my own higher power that was equally as powerless as me and a lie! I liked mine better because it made permissible a set of wrongs that I wanted to keep but also broke me further (read Solomon's story).

Now I was a failure in AA too, relapse after relapse. No more doors to go through I thought. Twisted thinking.

LAST RESORT: THE SOURCE

Who is God? Ask Him to show you. NO ONE ELSE can. They an advise, support, and help you but only based on the faith system they believe in.Case of best salesman. 

GO to the ONLY ONE WHO CAN REVEAL THE TRUTH TO YOU. 

It's a simple prayer..Father, i'm confused, with all the religions, new age philosophies, and lies the world claims is the solution--- none has worked for me. Please show me who you are so I can grow to know you and have a relationship based on truth.

AMEN

Another, quick note, I remain broken. My story isn't about some miraculous magic instant healing...it's about living and trusting GOD despite the thorns that are part of who I am. (Reading Paul's story about the thorn in his side always encourages me...)

 7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

I always wondered why the thorn was never explained. What was it? I think I understand now. It's because we all have thorns and if you see yourself, thorn included and remaining, you an find purpose in your struggles just like God gave Paul the courage to do. Paul mentions more that once the obstacles "his thorn" was to HIM. Incredible...I can live with my thorns and accept them and God still LOVES me- but there is a condition placed on me with that knowledge. My thorns must be used for HIS GLORY, or they will defeat me again!

I thought He was going to remove them and if He didn't I wasn't forgiven. LIES LIES LIES

How many lies do we have in our own belief systems?

We learn lies from the world, life, and ourselves to justify behaviors we know deep down are wrong. The lies have a Power of their own because that is EXACTLY where EVIL has door wide open to our souls.

FOPPERY & FLASHBACKS

(Notes on parenting WITH GOD) from 5.25.2010 I write this, as always, after my prayer and song, but where to start???

I finally fell asleep at 4AM, deeply confused. More than confused, if that is possible, because I had just been convicted of what correct action to take in a current situation…when BANG a new twist…Now what? Life throws curve balls to everyone, all the time and-  the stable, more mature people ,(Christians or not), usually know how to handle them. Well, the truth is, I USED TO THINK I KNEW…EVERYTHING! Had all the answers. What a joke. 

Ever have a conversation with someone and you can’t get through a sentence before the say “I know!"....that drives me crazy…! If you knew why did you ask me in the first place! THAT WAS ME! I JUST WANTED PEOPLE TO AGREE WITH ME! I doubt that’s uncommon, people do need affirmation…but they also need people that love them enough to tell them the TRUTH, even when they don’t want to hear it…..even when it has a price tag.

To me this is one of those thing I refer to as “universal law,” When there is only ONE answer. It can be as simple as trying to share with my children that if they take certain paths…the end result will be X. It’s not just because I arrived at the X…, or because everyone that has done the same thing ends up at same X……..it’s because God designed it that way.

I never wanted to hear it so why should my kids! They think they are unique. Well, the talents, gifts, and abilities everyone has are unique because we are all designed by God’s hands individually.a piece of new art.

But the end results of certain behaviors just reach the DEAD END sign at the end of the road no matter who you are.

It, appears, at least to me, there are only 2 kinds of people (the intensity may differ but still one or the other);

 God centered or self –centered.

 There is no neutral because neutral is about self.

OK, so instead of being impulsive and confident (which usually is the wrong move for me) I am sharing what I have learned on how to make difficult choices based on my growing relationship with Jesus. So the next move I am attempting to do it the right way (need pratice at this). This is too important not to. Why? Well it basically comes down to am I willing to do whatever needed to be the Spiritual Leader of my home? 

Well, Pastor Steve just did a whole 4 week series on family leadership called MAN UP--- (I guess he forgot that there are those of us out there that are trying to do the job of 2-mother and father) Despite the side note I DO HAVE TO TAKE THE ROLE AS SPIRITUAL LEADER IN MY HOME and I just have to tell you honestly I am ill equipped.

I don’t want to hear the statement You are “being to hard yourself” . I just want truth. I want to work on the things that are “my part” it’s being honest with myself that will help me grow. I have work to do.  Impossible to do on my own, I need God! And yes it would be nice to MAN to lead the family but I am a WOMAN!  I’m not saying it wouldn’t be nice if God filled that role in our family and maybe someday He will, but in the MEANTIME I have to WOMAN UP. That means caring more about their souls than their lives. That means telling them the things they don’t want to hear, saying NO and KEEPING the answer NO, so much I fall short on.

BUT I DO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT STEPS  I’M SUPPOSED TAKE! Growth.

I thank God that even though I’m confused with my next move, as always, I am “instructed” what to do.by the hundreds of examples in the scripture and the people He has given me as trusted council.. The instructions never change.

#1 Take it to God.

#2 Get wise council.

 #3 OBEY.

…I start by looking at me …so I looked up confusion! Just had to laugh cause first thing on page that popped out , Websters online dictionary's, was word of the day…which I just love so, sharing that too! But you have to look it up yourself!

 Foppery …God knows me so well , LOL! 

Just proves God has a sense off humor too1

Main Entry: confuse 

Pronunciation: \kən-ˈfyüz\

Function: transitive verb

Inflected Form(s): con·fused; confusing

Etymology: back-formation from Middle English confused frustrated, ruined, from Anglo-French confus,from Latin confuses, past participle of confundere

Date: 14th century

1 archaic : to bring to ruin 2 a : to make embarrassed : abash b : to disturb in mind or purpose : throw off
3 a : to make indistinct : blur confusing the issue> b : to mix indiscriminately : jumble c : to fail to differentiate from an often similar or related other money with comfort>

http:// from www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Confuse

Perfect…to bring to ruin….to disturb in mind or purpose,

 to fail to differentiate from an on often similar or related [situation].

Failing to differentiate what…patterns…? Well, I am try to live a transparent life now. I know my patterns and have shared them with you, I own them …so here I am present and accountable God!  No, I see it CLEARLY, most of the time ,what is me and what comes from others…I have a big enough job letting God refine my character, Not my job to judge or “fix” someone else….especially knowing I can’t.

However, my babies (even grown,) I am supposed to guide! am just beginning now to learn to do that now,  me at 52 and the kids at 23,20,14 and my baby grand nugget at 3.

I was told today by the angriest one of them moment that:

"LITTLE TOO LATE FOR DIRECTION NOW”   LIE

 Late YES.

TOO LATE, NEVER!“

…..but with the new curve ball, plan A has to be revised, and I haven’t a clue where to start or what to do in meantime. I can’t go back to recue mode because the situation will never get any better if I do. Where do you draw the line? BAFFLING!

I spoke earlier knowing the need for GOD and wise council so that’s not the problem…it’s

# 3…OBEYING that gets me all the time.

What if you don’t like what you hear, which is often the case? I can share much more on being disobedient and self-willed than, I can on obedience. I hope that means you might learn something from my mistakes?? I have spent more prayer time on that subject than any other

Unfortunately, very few learn from other people’s experiences.

“A smart man learns from his mistakes, and intelligent man learns from the mistakes of others!”

The stronger my relationship with God  grows the less they are able to use my past or even present errors as a means of manipulating. They are so used to me giving in that they see it as not loving them. What they can’t see, yet, is that is the courage, powered by God, to do what is best for their souls not their lives.

My  prayer today is that searching for the next RIGHT moves to heal my family  will be inspired by your love for all of us. I pray that one day whatever …the outcome, my children know I love them. That they understand that I loved them, at the expense of them hating me, so that they would find YOU. Who wants unhappy children? Who wants to see their child in pain? Especially when YOU know the simple answer all lies in a relationship with God who loves them more than I do!. And yet they reject it! I hope they survive the struggles of life long enough to be broken for the LAST time.  I pray they find Him and that one day “this God Crap,” as it was referred to today, , is something that gives them true purpose and meaning in their lives. I pray I can let them go and die to themselves and be born anew in Christ.

Giving it to you:

# 1.  Dear Father, Thank you for the mercy and strength you given me in immeasurable quantities. Admitting my brokenness to you and coming for direction is a joy today because I am certain that you will conduct the outcome like a beautiful symphony …if only I can hold on. Please give me clarity to distinguish what is helping and what is enabling. Father, don’t allow me  to give into manipulation, their best bullets have always been with past guilt and current failings. I begged my girl to get some help yesterday and I got the  “FU Mom” and I’m not a mom… I’m dead to her.

NO WORDS…. IT HURT DEEPER THAN I WANT TO TELL YOU BUT I STILL said no. It shocked her and when she came home she was faced once again with “my universal law” of where her path was leading her to. Of course she was angry and stormed off and then sad saying I didn’t love her. That didn’t work either, I told her the truth, I love her more than anything, as I do all my children, but I wasn’t going to enable her any longer.

So was still going with plan A when her car gets repossessed, which leaves her totally stranded with my grandson. HMMMMM OK.  I’ve already told her I haven’t made any decisions yet as to if I was going to let her stay. I had to do some footwork first, So God…I await.

LAST NIGHT RESPONE: Very different than expected. I told her I loved her and nothing can ever change that -but her “actions” are the direct result of the decisions she made not me! Yes, I did damage to my children, deep damage, I OWN that, but I have, with help, separated my past in three categories. I know what is mine and am open and accountable. But they are so far from seeing their part in the circumstances of their lives that THEY CAN’T HEAR ME!

Being in AA for over 20 years, I have done several self-inventories. HATED THEM at the time, because it only works if you are honest.(they are a metamorphous changing and revealing more truth each time)  Well, I was as honest as I could be at the time -but if I were to look over my old inventories I would see how they transformed into first blaming others for EVERYTHING, the  next one BLAMING MYSELF FOR EVERTHING….more work… I needed to separate what I “own” from what had been done”  to me.. I needed a lot of help with that because I was pretty damaged goods by then.

1.    What was done to me that I was NOT responsible for…let go and forgive them- I have enough weight to carry without adding theirs on top. Give it back to them- who ever owns it)  and don’t hold myself accountable for others actions. …

***SNAG HERE*** don’t , like I did for years , use it as excuse to justify my own behavior. What I did and the results of my decisions…OWN THEM, repent, GROW and Let God be your assurance. (Difficult when they are still tender human spots that others can reach).that all will work out in time.

3.   Finally, the hardest part of ALL, PATTERNS…what history keeps repeating itself? Keeping all those blurry lines clear and not continuing making the same mistakes.

I have a pattern for patterns!

Famous recovery saying “nothing changes- if nothing changes”

So they can accuse me of not caring or loving them. Well, WRONG, I care so much that doing the right thing, even if they never speak to me again, is more important than letting them manipulate me into enabling them. YES, it hurts like hell, because she really believes, at this moment in time I don’t love her. Just the opposite, I love her so much I’m willing to let her hate me if it gets her to see what she is doing.

I remember being little and swearing I would never be like my mother. I turned out a mirror image and didn’t even see it. Sadly, she died before I could tell her I understood and forgive her. Even more sad is she is one of the lost souls I wonder if God scooped up at the last minute. The BIGGEST difference in the life’s of my parent’s and mine is the I found God. It’s been a very long path with ongoing there it has been (and continues to be) with obstacles all along the way, but CERTAIN TODAY that I sit in the palm of his hand despite what life circumstances and trying to obey. An old dog can learn new tricks!

The kicker is today…she  decides to finally go to my blog and read it…left a beautiful note- hope from her heart and not because she know I’m not budging on accountability.

THE THEN

I hadn’t intended at all to write about what I did except to say I couldn’t sleep last night and found some awesome stuff on my family. Interesting,

Well truth is, due to family emergencies, its almost 10PM and I still haven’t posted yet so I’ll just tease ya a bit. My mom, Kay Norton, I posted to the top…Hopefully tomorrow I can expand on Mom more. I found so much on internet some of which might shock you…..leaving ya hanging.

KARIN aka MAMA JAG FOREVER!

NEXT NIGHT 5/26/2010 10pm

All hell has broken loose on the home front....2 days later. Vacillating between convicted and confused again.

Shall be quiet in hopes of the soft whisper....new twist on new twist....oh it is leaving me so very weary. 

Song for the day: Broken